All my life I thought that grief was only something you experienced after the death of a loved one, but a few years ago I came to realize that grief can be caused by so much more. I’m writing this post for anyone who’s experiencing grief because of separation, divorce, loss of trust, loss of a friendship, physical death, or death of their own marriage.
Back in February of 2015, after finding out that my husband had been physical with another woman, I went through the most devastating time of my life. For months I cried every day, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t enjoy my favorite things, and I was drowning in sorrow. In my mind I thought I would never feel “normal” again. My life for what I thought it was, had been swept up under my feet, and I didn’t know what to do. Every morning I woke up wishing it was all one big nightmare, then crying out to God because I knew it wasn’t. There were days I didn’t know how I could go on, and nights that the mental torment wouldn’t stop. Thoughts replayed in my head like a broken record. Only very few people could understand my pain, and I was thankful that God placed them in my life during that time.
I wanted to be strong, I wanted to move forward, but the truth is there’s no perfect way to deal with grief. Others will tell you to just get over it, or give you a time frame of when you should heal, but it don’t work like that. In fact, there were times I thought I had gotten through one stage such as anger, and then found myself right back there again. Here’s what I wrote in my journal on one of my worst days:
Grief: I’m grieving the life I once knew. The life that seemed somewhat normal. I’m grieving the trust I once had for my husband. I’m grieving the friendships I lost along the way. I’m grieving the things I used to enjoy that I can’t anymore like romantic movies. I’m grieving the peace I once had.
Anger: I’m angry that my husband was with another woman. I’m angry that he lied to me over and over again, betrayed me, and blamed me for his sins. I’m angry that he justifies his actions, throws up my past to make me look bad, and has allowed me to start ministry knowing that all of these secrets would come out.
I’m sharing these painful memories to say, “I know how you feel.” We all have different reasons we grieve, but there’s only one God who can get us through it. Now that you know about my grief let me share with you my joy.
The God almighty gave me strength, comfort, peace, and happiness during my sorrow. On days I couldn’t hold myself up, He lifted me. On days I felt hopeless, He breathed hope into me. On days I couldn’t stop crying, He sent someone to make me laugh. On days I felt discouraged, His word spoke life to me. On days my world felt like it was caving in, He held me in His arms. So although I hate the grief I had to go through, I’m thankful that it showed me just how GREAT my God is!
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God (2 Cor 1:3-4).
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”(Isa 41:10).
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