I’m so glad I got caught!

cell phone

A few weeks ago while I was at work, my phone started ringing. Since I thought it was my husband I pulled out my phone to check it. At that very moment, my boss walked in the kitchen and caught me. I had never been in trouble at my job before, but I got written up and warned that if it happened again I could lose my job. I was so ashamed of myself because I knew I wasn’t allowed to be on my cell phone, but the truth is I had used my phone before despite knowing it was against the policy. It got me thinking about how often we do things we know we aren’t supposed to do, and sometimes it takes us getting caught to stop.

Even in marriage, husbands and wives can easily get caught up in doing things they wouldn’t do if their spouse were watching. I will admit there’s been times in my own marriage that I hid my shopping bags from my husband, went over my spending limit when I promised I wouldn’t, flirted with guys, sent texts I wouldn’t want him to see, and made decisions I wouldn’t make in front of him. But God has dealt with me over the years, and I’ve learned that integrity in marriage is so important.

Here’s just a little warning: whatever you’re doing behind your spouse’s back, you will eventually get caught! The Bible says, “Whoever walks in integrity walks securely, but he who makes his ways crooked will be found out” (Prov. 10:9). And I can surely testify that things that my husband and I have hidden from each other, were brought to the light.“For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all” (Luke 8:17). 

Maybe there’s something you’re doing right now that you know you shouldn’t be doing. Maybe you’ve justified your actions by thinking it’s not a lie if he hasn’t asked about it, or by saying “What she don’t know won’t hurt her”. So often I am contacted by people who just found out their spouse’s secret, and they feel hurt, betrayed, sad, shocked, confused, and angry. I felt all those emotions too when I found out my husband had cheated on me. I remember asking, “If you hid this from me, what else have you hidden from me?” I felt as though our whole marriage was one big lie.

So I want to encourage you to be completely open and honest with your spouse about everything. I want to encourage you to have integrity in your marriage. To not do anything you wouldn’t do if your spouse were right in front of you. To think about how you would feel if your spouse were doing the very same thing. “For we aim at what is honorable not only in the Lord’s sight but also in the sight of man” (2 Cor. 8:21).

I can honestly say that I am so glad I got caught! I not only want to have good integrity in my marriage, but I also want to have it on the job. As a Christian, people look up to me and follow my example, and I want to set the example that I do what is right even when no one is looking. And you should also do what is right even when no one is looking, because it is honorable to God.

“One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in much, and one who is dishonest in a very little is also dishonest in much” (Luke 16:10).

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog! Please follow me on Facebook and Instagram. You can also subscribe below and be updated when I post something new. If you have any questions or concerns or need prayer, please contact me via email at Rachel@transformedwife.com

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This One Comment Changed My Day

girl-getting-compliment

About 8 months ago I quit my job as a nurse and I became a server. Since I’ve been a server I’ve had a lot of guys flirt with me, ask me for my phone number, or ask me if I’m married. I always politely let them know I’m happily married and go on about my day. A few weeks ago I had a comment that changed my day. This young guy sat at one of my tables, and I noticed that he was watching me work. When I walked up to the table to refill his drink, he looked me in the eyes and he said, “You are so beautiful!” I replied, “Thank you.” and walked away. Afterwards I noticed that I couldn’t stop smiling. Not because I was attracted to this guy in any way, but it made me feel good that someone called me beautiful. I immediately started thinking about my husband. I thought to myself, “If one comment from a complete stranger could change my day, then how much more could one comment from me change my husband’s day?” Then I started thinking about how I would feel if someone complimented my husband and I didn’t put forth the effort to do so myself. So I decided to send my husband a text just to let him know I was thinking of him and how handsome he is.

My husband and I have a great marriage, but just like anyone else sometimes we get busy and forget to say the little things that mean so much. I know my husband thinks I’m beautiful even if he doesn’t tell me every day. And my husband knows I think he’s handsome even if I don’t tell him every day. But I think it’s important in marriage to remind each other of certain things. My husband’s love language is words of affirmation so he likes to hear things like: “I love you.” I’m proud of you.” Thank you for working hard.” I appreciate you.” etc. My love language is physical touch, but I still love to hear words that build me up. “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up…(1 Thess 5:11). 

Another reason I believe it’s so important to compliment one another in marriage is because Satan is tricky and he is always scheming. He might send the person you used to have a crush on in high school to hit on you the very day you and your spouse get in a huge fight. Often times I hear of affairs starting all because of words. I’ve heard things like, “She made me feel appreciated and my wife didn’t.” or “He made me feel beautiful and my husband never told me I was pretty.” This is all tricks from the enemy. “Be sober-minded, be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8).

I want to encourage you all to speak kind words to your spouse, words that will make your spouse smile, and to compliment your spouse every day. “Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body”(Proverbs 16:24). 

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog! Please make sure you follow me on Facebook, and subscribe to my email below. If you need prayer or have any questions or concerns contact me via email at Rachel@transformedwife.com 

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Let’s Talk About Sex Part 3: A Lady In The Streets A Freak In The Bed!

lady in black

 

As I conclude my 3 part series about sex, I want to bring up a topic that has been bothering me for a while now. The topic of Christian women being modest, but also being a freak in the bed.

A couple of weeks ago a lady at work asked me a question related to sex.  As I answered her, a guy overheard me and said, “I thought you were a Christian? Christians don’t do that!” I was so upset over his comment because for years I have been judged because I’m a Christian woman, and I love sex and everything about it. I can remember the time I was in nursing school and one of my teacher’s invited me to a pure romance party. I was so excited about going because pure romance sells items that you and your spouse can use in the bedroom to spice things up, like flavored lubricants, massage lotions, etc. My mother and sister actually went with me, and at that time I received a negative comment as well. My mother’s guy friend said, “I thought Rachel was a Christian, why is she going to a sex party?”

I’m writing this post because I feel like so many people in the world have this messed up view when it comes to Christians, marriage, and sex. So I just want to make a few things clear from a Biblical perspective.

God created Sex!!!

God is the one who created sex, so why in the world do Christians feel like sex is a bad thing? It’s only a bad thing and sinful when we do it outside of God’s design for it. Sex was created for husbands and wives to experience intimacy, oneness, pleasure, and to multiply the Earth. It’s crazy to me that the people who have judged me for wanting a great sex life with my husband, are the ones who aren’t even married and are committing fornication. I have actually made the comment, “I’m married! I’m allowed to have sex!” And guess what the Bible backs my comment up! But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband (1 Cor 7:2). Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled…(Heb.13:4). Undefiled literally means pure, sinless, having no faults. That means that what you and your husband do in your sex life is pure and sacred in the eyes of God.

Christians can have fun and exciting sex lives too!

It saddens me that there are people in this world who truly believe that Christians are boring and that their sex lives are too. I bet there’s even people who believe that Christians only have sex in one position (the missionary position), and in the same place every time. Well I got news for you, there’s nothing in the Bible that says I can’t be a freak with my husband. So yes we try different positions, yes we play sex games, yes we buy stuff from the sex store to spice things up, yes I wear lingerie sometimes, and no we don’t always need a bed for sex. Christian sex lives can be full of passion and excitement too! Proverbs 5:18-19 says, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” This scripture is talking about rejoicing, delighting, and being intoxicated with love! That sounds pretty passionate to me. Now I’m not telling you to try something you aren’t comfortable with, but if you and your spouse want to enhance your sex life and want to try something new, go for it!

There’s a difference between perversion and a healthy sex life

By no means am I encouraging sexual perversion! I am only encouraging you to have a great and satisfying sex life inside your marriage. Perversion is when you take something from what it was intended for and use it in an unacceptable way. Examples of sexual perversion would be homosexuality (Lev 18:22) (Rom 1:26-27), fornication (1 Cor. 6:9), adultery (Heb. 13:4), pornography (Matt. 5:28), and Incest (Deut. 27:22). Also as transparent as I am about the subject of sex, I don’t believe we should engage in dirty talk or sex jokes with others, for God’s word teaches us to not to talk filthy or foolish (Eph. 5:4).

If you’ve never read the Song of Solomon in the Bible I encourage you to do so. It is a series of poems written between a king and his bride. Some of the descriptions actually get pretty intense. I have made the joke before, “Who needs fifty shades of grey when you got Song of Solomon.”

So wives I want you to know you can be a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed.

 

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Let’s Talk About Sex Part 2: Is Masturbation Wrong?

girl on bed

During this three part series I’m doing on sex, I wanted to write about a subject that you won’t hear many people mention; masturbation. This can be a controversial subject. Is it a sin? Is it acceptable in marriage? Can it affect your marriage? Does the Bible talk about it? I want to answer all these questions to the best of my ability in hopes that it will give you some clarity on the subject.

No where in the Bible does scripture refer to masturbation. This might be the reason you don’t hear preachers talk about it. The Bible does however say, “Everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matt 5:28). From reading this scripture, I believe that if a man or woman masturbates because of something they’ve seen on television, in a magazine, or in person, it is considered sin because it was done out of lust.

But what about in marriage? As I was thinking about this subject the other day, I thought about spouses who may be off at war, traveling for work, or may not be able to have sex due to a physical condition. I don’t believe masturbation would be wrong in these circumstances as long as your thoughts are pure. For example: If my husband is off on a business trip for a month, and during one of our phone conversations we both start to talk about sex and begin to touch ourselves while thinking about each other, I don’t believe that’s wrong. But if my husband was alone, looking at pornography, and meeting his own sexual desires, I would consider that adultery according to God’s word.

My husband used to be addicted to pornography, and because of that he masturbated a lot. You can read his testimony here The Truth About PORN He met his own sexual needs, and our sex life dwindled down to nothing. Masturbation should never be a replacement for your spouse! If you find yourself masturbating and not having sexual relations with your spouse something is terribly wrong. I can’t tell you the number of wives who have reached out to me devastated because their husbands have been looking at pornography and masturbating. The wife is left feeling hurt, confused, and insufficient. And the same goes for a husband whose wife may be addicted to pornography.

“Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous” (Heb 13:4). 

After God delivered my husband from his addiction to pornography, he admitted to me that he still masturbated a few times. Although he wasn’t thinking of anything impure when he done it, he still said that he felt it wasn’t right because he was meeting his own sexual needs instead of letting me meet them. I think he felt guilty because I was just in the next room. My belief has always been that if you aren’t sure if something is wrong or not, and the Bible doesn’t give an answer on it, then you should pray about it and ask the Holy Spirit to convict you of anything wrong that you are doing.

Years ago when I was in nursing school, a friend of mine who really looked up to me wanted my advice on this particular subject. She said, “Do you think it’s wrong for me to masturbate?” I replied, ” I think it’s wrong if you’re thinking about guys, or something you’ve seen on television, or lusting.” Then she said, “I don’t think about anything, I just do it.” Thinking about that comment now, it makes me wonder how natural it comes for some people. I’ve not done a lot of study about it, but I know that doctors have always told me not to stop my kids from exploring their genitals, and I know from my experience as a nurse that even patients with Alzheimer’s and in their old in age still do it. And when it comes to unmarried people, I would think it would be better to masturbate than to commit fornication. The Bible says, “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside of the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body” (1 Cor.6:18). 

I had a wife tell me once that in order to get an orgasm during sex with her husband, she had to touch herself. Do I think that’s wrong? Absolutely not. If she stopped having sex with her husband and just started touching herself, then that would become a problem for her marriage and it would be selfish on her part. I believe it all comes down to what’s inside your heart, what’s inside your mind, and how does it affect your marriage.

I would love to know your thoughts on this subject! Do you believe it’s right or wrong? Feel free to comment below or email me at Rachel@transformedwife.com

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This entry was posted on July 21, 2017. 2 Comments

Let’s Talk About Sex Part 1: Your Sex Drive

pillow talk

Whether or not you want to admit it, sex is a BIG part of your marriage. Sex creates intimacy, oneness, pleasure, memories, fun, and so much more. I don’t know about you, but I personally can’t stand when something is interfering with my sex life. For that reason, I felt led to write a 3 part series to deal with the sexual issues we face in marriage.

I can remember back to when I was in nursing school and I had to go to the health department for some vaccinations. The nurse asked me if I was having any health issues and I replied, “Well for some reason I just don’t have a sex drive anymore.” At the time I was only 20 years old. so it didn’t make sense that I didn’t have any desire to have sex with my husband. The nurse replied, “Well considering you’re in nursing school, and that can be pretty stressful, I think it’s just due to stress.” Thinking about that comment now, I wonder how many other husbands and wives are dealing with a decreased sex drive due to stress.

Stress isn’t the only thing that can affect your sex drive; it can be affected by physical illness, lack of sleep, working long hours, depression, your age, and I believe even unforgiveness. Just last week my husband and I had a discussion about this because we both have been working long hours, and letting it affect our sex drive. We don’t want our sex life to be put on the back burner, so we both agreed to try harder and we have stuck to our commitment. If you are dealing with a low sex drive, and you feel like your sex life is falling apart, I want to encourage you to take these 3 steps:

1. Find the problem and fix it

It’s important that you figure out what’s causing you to have a low sex drive and fix the problem. If it’s work, maybe you can cut back your hours or change your schedule. If you’re physically ill, seek medical help. If it’s because of your age, there are things you can do or take to boost your sex drive. If it’s because you’re so busy being a parent, get a babysitter and have alone time with your spouse. And of course don’t forget to pray! Yes you can pray about your sex life, God created sex. Do whatever you have to do because your marriage is worth it and sex is important.

2. Act in Love

Often times I hear people say, “I’m not having sex because I don’t feel like it.” Well maybe you would feel like it if you did other things that are actions of love. I’m talking about hugging, kissing, holding hands, cuddling, rubbing, spending quality time together, etc. If you’re sitting in your bedroom and your husband is in the living room, most of the time you aren’t just going to think about having sex. But if you actually make the effort to go and spend time with him, give him a hug and a kiss, and cuddle up against him while watching a movie, then I bet you’ll see an increase in your sex drive. In fact, when my husband and I decided to fight for our marriage, we were doing all those things I just mentioned and we were in the mood for sex like every day. Try it and see!

3. Have sex anyways

Even if you’re sex drive is low, you shouldn’t stop having sex with your spouse. The Bible says, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control (1 Cor. 7:3-5). When we don’t fulfill our spouse’s sexual needs, he/she can be tempted to watch pornography, masturbate, or even commit adultery. Now I’m not saying that anyone has an excuse to do those things, but one of the best ways we can protect our marriage is by doing our part as a husband or wife.

 

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This entry was posted on July 11, 2017. 3 Comments

One Thing Your Marriage Desperately Needs

If you’ve been following my blog for a while then you know how much I encourage alone time with your spouse and date nights, but today I want to write about something else that your marriage desperately needs. You and your spouse need a couple’s getaway! I’m talking about no kids, no family members, no friends, just you and your spouse traveling somewhere together. It was only just a few years ago that I realized how important this is in marriage, so let me share my experience with you.

My husband and I had kids together before we were married, so we never got to experience the Newlywed phase. What I mean by that is, there was never a time period in our marriage where it was just me and my husband in the house. A time were we could just focus on each other and go out and do whatever we wanted. We had small children when we got married, so we had to make an effort just to be alone.

For years my husband begged me to go on a couple’s vacation, but my answer was always no. I just couldn’t imagine leaving my children at home while me and my husband were out having fun far away. I remember I used to always say to him, “We can go on trips with just us when our kids get grown and out of the house.” But now my whole perspective has changed.

After God restored our marriage in 2014, I finally agreed to go on a “couple’s only” vacation. At that time I knew that my husband and I still had a lot of rebuilding to do, and some time away from the kids to focus on our marriage would be helpful. He had always mentioned wanting to go to New Orleans, so I booked the trip.

The day we left I was nervous of course and wondered if the kids would be okay without us, but once we got on the road I was filled with excitement. To this day, I can honestly say that our trip to New Orleans was by far the BEST vacation I’ve ever been on. My husband and I connected in ways we hadn’t in a long time. We talked about so much during the eight hours on the road, we laughed together, we flirted with each other, we learned about History together, we cruised the Mississippi river together, and so much more. Because the kids weren’t around, we could say and do so much more. We could splurge on food because we didn’t have to worry about feeding our whole family, we could shop without hearing, “I’m tired”, or “I gotta go to the bathroom”, and we didn’t have to worry about breaking up fights between the kids. It was just me and my husband for 5 days, enjoying God’s beautiful creation, and enjoying each other. My favorite part was when we missed our trolley stop at our hotel and got off at an unknown place. We were lost in the middle of New Orleans but my husband made me feel protected.

new orleansnew orleans 2

It was such a life changing experience for us, that we decided that we would try to plan a couple’s only trip annually if our budget would allow. Just a year later we went on our first cruise together, and it too was an amazing vacation! We made memories together that I will always hold dear to my heart.

cruise 2   cruise

Maybe you are like I once was and can’t imagine leaving your kids behind, but I promise if you will just try it one time, you will see what a difference in can make in your marriage. We were surprised when we called home to check on the kids, and they barely missed us because they were having so much fun with their grandma. Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t plan family trips also, but you and your spouse need time away from the kids even if it’s just a weekend getaway to somewhere local. Another option would be to attend a marriage retreat. My husband and I have attended a few marriage retreats and they both had a huge impact on our marriage. You don’t have to travel far or spend tons of money, but you do have to invest in your marriage. I promise you won’t regret taking the trip.

For more information about the marriage retreats that we attended please visit familylife.com/…-remember/findyourgetaway or firstcomeslovemarriageretreat.com

I highly recommend both of these marriage retreats!

 

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When Your Spouse Has Been Unfaithful

sad woman

Last week I wrote a post entitled “When you suspect your spouse is cheating”, so this week I wanted to follow up and write something helpful for those of you whose suspicions have become the truth. “My spouse has been unfaithful, now what do I do?” That is a question that I have been asked several times, and that I have asked myself at one point in my marriage. If your nightmare has just become a reality, I pray this post will give you some guidance on the next steps you should take.

I’ll never forget the day my husband admitted to having an affair; his confession hit me like a ton of bricks falling on my chest. Whether you have found out from your spouse or from evidence, you know the feeling I’m talking about. Your heart beats fast, your mind starts racing with a million thoughts, and your stomach makes you feel as though you will never be able to eat again. You can spend your whole life sympathizing with friends who’ve experienced it, or crying when you see it happen in a movie, but unless you’ve experienced it in your own marriage you’ll never understand how it feels.

After I found out about my husband’s affair, I was so confused about what to do. I spent days calling family and friends, googling everything about affairs, and trying to find any resource I could that would be helpful. Some advice I received was beneficial, and some made my circumstances worse. So here’s the best advice I have for anyone who just found out their spouse has been unfaithful:

1. Don’t make any big decisions right now

When you’re hit with such devastating news your emotions are all over the place, and that can be the worse time to make a big decision in your life. You should never choose to leave the marriage or file for a divorce while you’re in such an emotional state. I highly encourage everyone to try to work through infidelity in their marriage, but if you feel the right thing for you to do is leave, please don’t make that decision while you’re feeling angry. Anger can cause you to say things and do things you will regret. “Be angry and do not sin…(Eph. 4:26). “For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. (James 1:20).

2. Don’t request to know every detail

Knowing every detail to your spouse’s affair doesn’t benefit you any. It can cause you more emotional pain, and paint pictures in your head that are hard to make go away. At times I wanted to know everything, and at other times I couldn’t stomach another detail. I remember a time I got up in the middle of the night to look through my husband’s phone, I wanted to learn more about the woman he had an affair with, and I wanted to read the messages they had exchanged with one another. Thankfully, my husband had already deleted everything because now I’m glad I don’t know the details of their conversations, the pictures they sent back and forth, or the videos they made. I did learn a lot from her social media account that was very hurtful to me. She had a lot in common with my husband related to sports and favorite television shows, and it left me feeling like I wasn’t good enough for him. If you know my story then you know it took a year and a half for me to find out the whole truth about my husband’s infidelity. I questioned why God allowed me to wait so long to find out the truth, especially since I prayed every day for God to reveal to me any secrets my husband was still keeping from me. I truly believe that God knew I couldn’t handle it all in the beginning. To be honest with you, had I known everything back then that I do now, I would have left. I had to mature, I had to gain wisdom, learn biblical principles, and I had to be transformed. Instead of trying to find out every detail, trust that God will reveal to you what needs to be revealed, and trust that He knows the right timing. Of course I encourage the unfaithful spouse to be completely open and honest, but even when you feel they are still holding something back, just put it all in God’s hands. For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open (Luke 8:17).

3. Don’t take one scripture and run with it

I used to be so unhappy in my marriage that I would actually say to my husband, “I wish you would just cheat, because then I could divorce you and it would be okay with God!” I was referring to the scripture that talks about divorce and sexual immorality (see Matt 5:31-32). But is divorce really God’s will even when adultery is committed? I don’t believe so. I know that every time I wanted to leave, or felt I had the right to leave my marriage because of my husband’s unfaithfulness, God told me to stay. We have to look at all of God’s word when we are making decisions in life, not just one scripture. Let us not forget what the Bible says about love, forgiveness, mercy, and grace. If anyone wants to know why I stayed, it’s because God made it clear to me that was His will for my life. I knew if I left my marriage and my calling for marriage ministry, I would be like Jonah who didn’t have peace because He ran away from what God told Him to do.

Forgive as the Lord forgave you (Col. 3:13). 

4. Don’t listen to just anybody

When it comes to your marriage, you can’t just take advice from anybody. People will lead you in all kinds of wrong directions. If you’re spouse has cheated, I can promise you that one of your family members or friends is going to tell you to leave. I had people say to me, “You would be a fool to stay.” “If I were you I would leave.” “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”  “You will never be able to look at him the same.” The list could go on and on of the negative comments I heard. It’s important that you seek advice from people who know God’s word. Seek advice from a pastor, a Christian counselor, or a godly friend with wisdom. And remember you can’t live your life to please people, you have to please God.

5. Don’t seek revenge

I’ve heard the saying “Hurt people hurt people” but as a Christian you should never want to seek revenge. Two wrongs never make a right, it only makes matters worse. And no where in the Bible does it say that we have an excuse to sin because someone has done us wrong. In fact, God’s word says, “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord” (Rom.12:19). 

6. Pray for the other person involved

It’s easy to get mad at the person who slept with your spouse, especially if they knew your spouse was married, but taking your anger out on them won’t do you any good. I remember being so mad at the other woman, but then I had to remember two very important things: 1) She didn’t betray me, my husband did. My husband is the one who put a ring on my finger and made a commitment to God and me, not her. So why would I be so upset with her? 2) Someone who sleeps with a married person is a sinner in need of grace. God helped me to see the other woman as His child who is lost. I began to pray for her, and never once did I call her out of her name or speak ugly to her.

7. Make sure the other person is out of the picture

You will want to make sure your spouse has cut off all communication with the other person. My husband felt he would be tempted in the beginning to reach back out to the other woman, so he and I both deactivated our Facebook accounts for 3 months. If you have to change phone numbers or emails, then I suggest do so. Do whatever you have to do to protect your marriage.

8. Pray together

I can’t stress enough how important it is to pray together as a couple. My relationship with God and prayer is the only reason my marriage is still standing. After my husband’s affair, I started praying more for him and our marriage than I ever had. Then I started requesting for us to pray together. We would hold hands and I would lead the prayers. He didn’t always feel comfortable with it, but he never told me no. During such a critical time in our marriage, I knew we needed God’s guidance, strength, healing, and comfort. For where two or three gather in my name, there I am with them (Matt 18:20). 

9. Get tested

I can’t tell you how embarrassed I was going to get tested for STDs, but I knew it had to be done. My husband got tested first and everything was clear, but I still wanted to get tested for my peace of mind. Even if protection was used for sex, it’s important that you and your spouse both get tested.

10) Start Rebuilding

The only way to fix a broken marriage is to start rebuilding it. So after you and your spouse have discussed the affair, what led up to it, how to prevent it from happening again, and you’ve chosen to forgive him or her, then it’s time to move forward. You may need to take some time to deal with your emotions and process everything that’s happened, but I suggest start rebuilding your marriage as soon as you can. Here’s a few things you can do: 1) Start dating again 2) Take a couple’s trip 3) Attend a marriage conference or couple’s event 4) Express your feeelings to one another through writing 5) Do a daily devotional with one another 6) Restore intimacy to your marriage (It may take a little longer for sexual intimacy). My husband and I did all these things. On days where I just wanted to run away because the emotional pain was so deep, I knew that wouldn’t fix anything, and if I wanted to save my marriage I had to put in the work.

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog! If you have any questions or concerns, please reach out to me via email at Rachel@tranformedwife.com You can also subscribe to my email below for future posts. 

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This entry was posted on June 21, 2017. 4 Comments

When You Suspect Your Spouse Is Cheating

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One of the worst feelings in the world is when you suspect your spouse is cheating. I can remember back to when I first felt that way, and how I about drove myself crazy trying to watch my husband’s every move. I used to check his pockets for phone numbers and receipts, check his emails, try to hack his Facebook account, and wait for him to go to sleep so I could snoop through his phone. Honestly, it was an awful way to live, but I didn’t know what else to do. So this post is for anyone who may be in a similar situation and needs guidance on what to do.

In the society we live in today, you could tell someone you think your spouse is cheating and they would tell you to do all kinds of crazy things. I’ve heard suggestions like hire a private investigator, put a tracker on the car, set up hidden cameras, or make a fake Facebook profile and start a conversation with your spouse. While all those things may help you find out the truth, none of those things are biblical, and none of those things are beneficial for your marriage.

If you truly believe your spouse is cheating, here are 3 things I suggest you do:

  1. Talk to your spouse 

While this may seem like a simple thing to do, most people skip this step and go straight to investigating. I was one of those people. I spent more time trying to figure out stuff, then actually sitting down and talking to my husband about how I felt. Your spouse may not admit to cheating, but its always important in marriage to express how you feel and why. Make sure when you talk to your spouse, you find the right time, the right place, and you speak in a loving, non-judgmental way. Instead of starting sentences off with the word “You”, start sentences with “I”. For example: “I feel this way because… or “I suspect this because… Don’t start accusing your spouse of things you have no proof of because it will only lead to him/her becoming angry and defensive.

Let your speech always be gracious”…(Col. 4:6).

“….A harsh word stirs up anger” (Prov. 15:1).

2. Pray for your spouse.

If your spouse is cheating, then that means that they have a serious heart issue going on. They are living in sin, and need to become a new person through Jesus Christ. Even when my marriage was bad, my relationship with God kept me from wanting to sin against Him. I’m not saying that I’m perfect, but a person who has a strong relationship with God will flee from sexual immorality. When my husband cheated, he claimed to be a Christian, but his heart was no where it needed to be with the Lord. He dealt with depression, sexual addictions, lust, and more. He actually made the statement to me, “Cheating had more to do with me and my sin, than it did you.” You need to pray specific prayers for your marriage and your spouse. Here are a few examples:

Dear Lord, I pray for my husband today. Please help him resist temptation to sin. Please convict his heart of anything he may be doing that’s against your will. I pray that he only desires me, and that he wont lust after other women. Please protect him from Satan’s traps such as pornography, online dating sites, and women who may be trying to come unto him. God bless our marriage, and help us both to stay committed to you and each other. In Jesus Name, Amen.”

“Dear Lord, I pray for my wife today. I pray that she knows who she is in you, and that she won’t feel insecure about the way she looks. Please help her to resist temptation to sin. I pray that she will only look inside our marriage for compliments, flirting, and sexual needs. I pray that she won’t compare me to other men, or lust after men who may seem to her as more successful or better looking. Help her be the wife you called her to be. In Jesus Name, Amen.”

If you spend more time praying for your spouse, instead of trying watch their every move, you might actually see some changes.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus (Phill. 4:6-7).

3. Keep doing your part

One of the things I stress to people the most is to always do what’s right even when your spouse isn’t. You can’t control your spouse’s actions, but you can control yours. No where in the Bible does it say that if our spouse is cheating, that we have the right to sin too. God has called us to show love, respect, to build others up with our words, and to be Holy. That means that no matter what your spouse may or may not be doing in marriage, you are still expected to be the husband or wife God has called you to be. When I first thought my husband was cheating, I distanced myself from him. I stopped kissing him, I talked to him very little, and I never planned anything for us two, I disrespected him, and more. What I did was make the situation worse. I led my husband to believe that I didn’t love him anymore, I didn’t care about our marriage, and that our marriage was over. That gave him NO excuse to sin, but it explains why he was willing to get so involved with someone else. He had no hope that our marriage could survive, because my actions showed that I had given up. The best thing you can do for your marriage no matter what the circumstances are, is keeping following what God’s word says and to keep fighting for your marriage.

Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night (Psalms 1:1-2).

If you are in this situation and need encouragement or prayer, please contact me via email at Rachel@transformedwife.com I will be glad to help in any way I can. You can also subscribe to my blog below to updated with future posts.

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This entry was posted on June 13, 2017. 3 Comments

Know Your Position

 

A few weeks ago my husband and I went to the Tennessee Vols Orange and White Game. While I was there, I was just taking in the whole game of football; how it works, how all the players have different positions, how everyone supports one another, the skills required to win the game, and so forth. And just like Jesus used parables when He was on Earth, a lot of times God will reveal to me life lessons out of the little things in life, including football.

In football, everyone has different positions. And in order for the game to work, everyone must know their position and what’s required of them. In marriage it’s the same way; a husband must know His position, and a wife must know her position for the marriage to work. So I would like to share with you what God’s word says specifically on the husband’s role and the wife’s role.

The Husband’s Role

 To be the head of the wife. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior (Eph. 5:23). This means that the husband should be the leader of his home, just like a quarterback is the leader of his team. It doesn’t mean that the husband controls everything the wife does, or that the husband is superior than the wife, but rather that he influences his wife and family children to live according to biblical principles. The husband should lead his family to pray, read God’s word, go to church, and make good decisions in life. Just because a quarterback is a leader and makes decisions for his team, doesn’t mean that the other players aren’t just as important. A wife can respect her husband’s role to lead without devaluing her role as a wife.

To love his wife. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Eph. 5:25). Christ loved the church so much, that He died on the cross to save us. Husbands must love their wives in a sacrificial way too. They must be willing to die to themselves; die to fleshly desires, prideful ways, and selfishness. For a husband to love his wife the way Christ loves the church, he must give himself fully to her. He must serve her, show grace to her, support her, and protect her. When you go to a Vols game, they always say, “Give your all for Tennessee!” Well I want to tell you husbands to “Give your all for your wife.”

To honor his wifeLikewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel…(1 Pet.3:7). A husband can honor his wife by always speaking highly of her. A husband should never call his wife degrading names, or embarrass her in public. Husbands should always honor his wife’s feelings, opinions, privacy, position, and body.

A Wife’s Role

To submit to her husband. Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord (Eph. 5:22). Submitting to your husband doesn’t mean that you have no control over your life, or you don’t make any decisions, it means that you accept your husband’s position as the leader of your family. For example: In football the quarterback chooses the play. That doesn’t mean that the other offensive players don’t sometimes try to change his mind by voicing their opinions on which play will work best, but ultimately it’s up to the quarterback to make the decision because he is the leader.

To respect her husbandLet the wife see that she respects her husband (Eph.5:33). Studies show that the number one thing a man wants more than anything else is respect. We should respect our husbands by only speaking highly of them, accepting their role as the head of the household, praising them for their hard work, taking up for them when a someone says negative things about them, and by not interrupting him when he’s talking. I once heard a story about a lady who didn’t respect her husband very much, until one day she went to his work. While she was there, she seen that his secretary showed much respect to him. The secretary didn’t interrupt him,  she spoke highly of him, she accepted his decisions, and she acknowledged his role in the company. The wife then felt guilty of all the ways she had disrespected her husband.

To do her husband good. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life (Prov. 31:12). Even if a football player is mad at one of their other teammates, they still have to give 100% in their position because otherwise they may lose the game. The same goes for marriage. A wife can’t stop being good to her husband just because she’s mad or feels he don’t deserve it, because then she loses in her own marriage. A wife should never intentionally hurt her husband, disrespect him, provoke his anger, or make him feel unloved. Do good to your husband by building him up with your words, loving him, praying for him, respecting him, appreciating him, supporting him, and letting him lead. 

I hope you will accept the position God has given you as a husband or wife, and work hard at getting better at it. And just like a football game can be affected if one person gets out of position, your marriage can be affected when you get out of position. Joyce Meyer says, “I encourage you all to be all you can be, God will never help you be anyone but you.” A wide receiver wasn’t created to be a quarterback, and wives weren’t created to take on the husband’s role.

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Don’t Be A Lazy Lover!

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This past Sunday was Easter, a time that Christians all over the world celebrated the resurrection of Jesus Christ. As I thought about how Jesus gave His all for us, I questioned how many people (including myself), actually give their all for Him. For we know that Jesus said the greatest commandment is to “Love the Lord your God with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind” (Luke 10:27).  But one of the reasons we don’t give our all, is because we have become lazy lovers. We love God, but we become too lazy to pray, too lazy to worship, too lazy to attend church, too lazy to read the Bible, and too lazy to do what God has called us to do. Just like laziness can prevent us from having a strong relationship with the Lord, laziness can prevent us from having a great marriage also.

Have you become a lazy lover in your marriage? Think about all the things you used to do when you first met your spouse. I bet you used to plan date nights, buy gifts for no occasion, dress to impress, and kiss him/her all the time. But somewhere along the road you got lazy. Can you honestly say that now you take the time and energy to make your spouse feel special? Do you kiss your spouse before leaving the house? Ladies, do you put on makeup, fix your hair, and throw on some sexy lingerie to impress your husband? Men, do you open up doors for your wife like you did when you two were dating? And how about sex? Have you both become so lazy that you don’t take the time to have sex? Or maybe you don’t do those special things during sex like you used to.

Now I know that life can get busy and sometimes become overwhelming; especially when you work, take care of kids, and always have chores, but we can’t neglect our marriages. If you’re too tired to spend time with your spouse because you’ve been running around all day, then maybe you need to take some things off your schedule. It’s important that we learn how to prioritize. Your relationship with God should be first and foremost, then comes your husband, your kids, and your ministry. Ask yourself these questions: “Why am I so tired all the time? Where am I spending all my time and energy?” If your marriage isn’t part of the answer, then you need to make some changes.

Did you know that there are 168 hours in one week? If you work 40 hours, and sleep 8 hours a night, then you still have 72 hours a week left for other things. You can do a lot in 72 hours! You have to make time for God! You have to make time for your marriage! It’s time that we stop being lazy lovers! God’s love for us produced actions. That means that He loved us so much He sent His only son to die on the cross for our sins. Does your love produce actions too? If you love your spouse then you have to show it. “Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth” (1 John 3:18). 

I encourage you all to consider the areas of your life where you have become lazy, and then pray that God will help you be motivated to do better.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my blog! Please follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram by clicking the follow icons below. If you need prayer or advice for your marriage, please feel free to contact me via email at Rachel@transformedwife.com

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